I Was Convinced Myself to Be a Gay Woman - The Legendary Artist Made Me Uncover the Reality

In 2011, several years prior to the acclaimed David Bowie exhibition debuted at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I came out as a homosexual woman. Previously, I had only been with men, including one I had wed. Two years later, I found myself nearing forty-five, a freshly divorced mother of four, making my home in the America.

Throughout this phase, I had commenced examining both my sense of self and attraction preferences, seeking out clarity.

Born in England during the early 1970s - before the internet. When we were young, my peers and I lacked access to online forums or YouTube to consult when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; conversely, we sought guidance from music icons, and during the 80s, everyone was playing with gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer sported masculine attire, Boy George embraced feminine outfits, and bands such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured members who were openly gay.

I wanted his slender frame and precise cut, his strong features and flat chest. I aimed to personify the artist's German phase

Throughout the 90s, I spent my time operating a motorcycle and wearing androgynous clothing, but I returned to traditional womanhood when I chose to get married. My husband transferred our home to the America in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an irresistible pull back towards the masculinity I had once given up.

Given that no one challenged norms quite like David Bowie, I chose to devote an open day during a warm-weather journey returning to England at the museum, hoping that perhaps he could provide clarity.

I lacked clarity exactly what I was looking for when I walked into the display - possibly I anticipated that by submerging my consciousness in the opulence of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, as a result, encounter a hint about my true nature.

I soon found myself facing a compact monitor where the music video for "that track" was continuously looping. Bowie was moving with assurance in the front, looking stylish in a slate-colored ensemble, while to the side three backing singers dressed in drag clustered near a microphone.

Differing from the drag queens I had encountered in real life, these characters failed to move around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; instead they looked unenthused and frustrated. Relegated to the background, they had gum in their mouths and rolled their eyes at the monotony of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, seemingly unaware to their reduced excitement. I felt a brief sensation of connection for the backing singers, with their heavy makeup, uncomfortable wigs and constricting garments.

They gave the impression of as uncomfortable as I did in female clothing - irritated and impatient, as if they were hoping for it all to conclude. Just as I realized I was identifying with three men dressed in drag, one of them ripped off her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Naturally, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I was absolutely sure that I desired to rip it all off and emulate the artist. I desired his lean physique and his defined hairstyle, his defined jawline and his flat chest; I wanted to embody the lean-figured, artist's Berlin phase. However I was unable to, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Declaring myself as homosexual was a separate matter, but gender transition was a considerably more daunting possibility.

I required further time before I was willing. During that period, I did my best to become more masculine: I abandoned beauty products and threw away all my feminine garments, cut off my hair and commenced using male attire.

I altered how I sat, modified my gait, and changed my name and pronouns, but I paused at surgical procedures - the potential for denial and remorse had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

Once the David Bowie display finished its world tour with a presentation in the American metropolis, five years later, I returned. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be something I was not.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I knew for certain that the problem wasn't about my clothing, it was my physical form. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a feminine man who'd been wearing drag since birth. I desired to change into the individual in the stylish outfit, dancing in the spotlight, and now I realized that I was able to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a physician soon after. I needed another few years before my transition was complete, but none of the fears I feared came true.

I continue to possess many of my traditional womanly traits, so others regularly misinterpret me for a gay man, but I'm OK with that. I wanted the freedom to play with gender like Bowie did - and given that I'm comfortable in my body, I can.